Eager readers of guitar geezer and aphoristic wheezer Norbert Fragg’s recent chronicle of Guitar Daft discourses, recourses and out-sources at the famed and fabulous Monesto Santo Pasta En Pesto have recoiled with pleasure at the announcement of a new, paradigm-shifting series of laws for the eructation of guestbook posters.

Norbert’s coy elucidation of the first two laws have already attracted fulsome and furious inattention everywhere! Because the more acquisitive, complementarians may have unconsciously, if not subconciously, demanded the entire series, the very Fragg, having been bribed industrial quincemeat tart with a lime green whipped cream rosette, he has graciously, if not contumaciously, has descended from his personal, portable, traveling gigster-approved Mount Sinai, with the Ten Laws of Performance Venting.

1. When people get together, the worse will happen, sooner or later.

2. When people get together, someone always mentions W.A. Mozart’s "Leck Mich Im Arsch" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leck_mich_im_Arsch) and asks why this was not included in the performance repertoire during the recent Thing Dismal Anus Mirabilis tour.

3. When people, or things get together, someone always wants to practice photography. This is especially true with clouds.

4. When people get together, someone always shouts "get down!" The shouter is exhibiting his cultural connections to a prior generation, when to "get down" was considered an act of serious consideration demonstrating attention, as exemplified but not delineated in "Boogie ‘Til You Puke," that rousing cultural revelation by Rootboy Slim and the Sex Change Band, which was also not included in the performance repertoire of the recent Thing Dismal Tour.

5. When people get together, someone will always probe his or her facial orifices for flecks of crusted organic matter that may be extracted, examined, smeared on horizontal or vertical surfaces and permitted to remain long after that person has left the gathering.

6. When people get together, someone will expect me to be what I am not. Someone else will expect me to be otherwise. Only mosquitoes expect me to be what I am.

7. When people get together, someone always fails to bring a tasty desert. A corollary to this law concerns hospitality sweets, which are inhospital and almost always sour.

8. When people get together, silence rarely visits. When silence does visit, a need arises to release an unspecified quantity of internal fumes. How these fumes enter into the world depends on the quality of the gathering. Gaseous arisings among "the quality" typically concern the consequences of record companies that fail to pay royalties ("Today I shot a record company executive in my pajamas. What the record company executive was doing in my pajamas I’ll never know."), the presence or absence of tasty cakes, the accumulation of old objects that sell themselves, bibliophilic acquisitions, noisemaking machines in franchised coffee shops, or, perhaps, the complexity and contradiction inherent in indeterminate, indescrete instances of intermittent rabbitry.

9. Gatherings of the lesser quality are concerned with arisings from the lower quarters. An example of this was an Unlevel One discussion of foofing. Foofing bears some relationship to whizzing, though it cannot be established with any certainty if, as was commented upon by the participant from Lower Intestinia, in the history of foofing, the first who smelt it, dealt it. Foofing relates directly to the discipline of the seat. Discussion of what, then, is foofing from a participant who announced that he was full of beans and asked what, if any, relationship Guitar Daft had to art and practice of Joseph Pujol. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Petomane)

10. When people get together, a every distraction generates equal and opposite detraction, whether whizzing or foofing. This suggests a prolonged visit to the lavatories for further explorations of the discipline of the seat.

And a gentleman always lifts the seat!